


Don't Let Go

by interruptedbyfjreworks



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Crying, Depression, Established Relationship, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 12:31:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13740927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interruptedbyfjreworks/pseuds/interruptedbyfjreworks
Summary: Dan's falling apart inside, and he doesn't think he can go on.





	Don't Let Go

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: In no way is this me glorifying suicide or depression. There is always an alternative to taking your own life. If suicide is a trigger for you, I do not suggest you read this fic. Feel free to check out my other fics, which are a lot less triggering :) They are all posted on tumblr (interruptedbyfjreworks) and some are on my ao3.

I can’t do this anymore. 

I can’t go on like everything is okay when I’m falling apart inside. I can’t keep making videos pretending that nothing’s wrong, and ignoring all of the people who can clearly see that something’s up. I can’t keep waking up every morning telling myself, “Maybe today will be better.” I can’t keep lying to Phil, telling him “I’m okay,” and, “I’m just tired.”

No amount of sleep can fix what’s wrong with me.

So, when Phil said he was going to run some errands and he would be back in a few hours, I knew it was now or never. I walked to the medicine cabinet and grabbed the bottle of prescription painkillers that were leftover from some time long ago. 

Before Phil left, I made sure to tell him I loved him and kissed him longer than usual. I could tell he was taken by surprise, but he brushed it off. As soon as he left, I broke down in tears. I didn’t want to do this to Phil, but I didn’t know how much longer I could go on. 

I don’t know why I felt this way. My life was amazing. I had an amazing career, and I lived with my idol, who became my best friend, who became my boyfriend, then fiance. We published a book together, went on tour all around the world, and this was only the beginning. I was so happy. 

Then, I wasn’t.

I don’t know why, I don’t know how. All I know is that one day, all of the excitement died. I stopped having so much enthusiasm about things. Phil started to notice, but I told him I was fine, and that he just worried too much.

“I know, but you’re worth worrying about,” he would say every time, smiling at me.

The fans noticed too. On all of my videos, people would comment, “Dan, are you okay?” “You seem sad.” “I miss the old Dan.”

I’d had enough.

As I reached for the pill bottle, I noticed that my hand was shaking.   
What? Was I going to chicken out now that it came time? 

No, I thought, I have to do this. It’s the only choice.

Angrily, I unscrewed the cap and dumped a bunch of the small blue pills into my hand. This would be more than enough to kill me, so I closed the cap. Immediately, I put the pills down on my dresser. 

Why did I keep doing this? Every time I would take another step towards death, something would always pull me back. 

Before I could change my mind again, I took the pills, threw them into my mouth, and swallowed. There was no going back now. 

Now that they were in my system, I just had to wait for my inevitable death.   
Outside my window, the sun was shining and, for once, there was no drilling coming from the neighbors. It was quite peaceful. 

I laid down on my bed and closed my eyes. For a while, I was able to just lay there without thinking about anything. Then, thoughts started racing through my mind. 

This was a bad idea. What’s Phil going to think? What if he thinks I wanted to leave him? 

No, no, no. Of all of the things I wanted to leave behind, Phil was not one of them. 

I had made a list of reasons to stay, and reasons to leave. On the leaving side, there was an assortment of things; exhaustion, stress, my self-esteem, and so much more. On the staying side, there was one thing; Phil. That one thing outweighs everything else. 

I don’t want to die. 

As soon as this thought crossed my mind, I realized its truth. I couldn’t leave Phil behind. I needed to call him. Tell him he needed to come home. There was no hope in me surviving, so what was even the point of calling for an ambulance? I could already feel myself losing consciousness.

I reached for my phone when a sudden wave of nausea came over me. I reached for the garbage and retched up all that I had in me. When I thought I was done, I dialed Phil’s number.

“Hello?” I heard from the other end.

“Phil?” I said, my words slurring as my eyes struggled to stay open.  
“Is everything okay? You don’t sound too good.”

I took in a deep breath, which was getting harder and harder to do. “Please-come home. I n-need to see you.” As I talked, I leaned up against the wall. I couldn’t hold myself up anymore.

“Dan? What’s going on!” Phil started to sound nervous.

“I took some pi-” I was cut off by another fit of dry heaving.

“I’m on my way. Tell me what happened.”

“I took pills." 

"How many?”

“A lot.” A moan escaped my lips as I felt a sharp twinge in my stomach.

“Dan, I’m calling an ambulance. You need to get to a hospital.”

“No, Phil. Don’t leave me. I just want to talk to you.” I started to cry. I didn’t want Phil to hang up. “There’s no point anyways. It’s too late.”

I heard Phil tell a taxi driver our address, and to get him there as quick as possible. “I’m coming home. Just stay where you are.”

“Okay, Philly. I love you. I just want you to know that.” I was starting to fall asleep. My head was lolling against the wall, and I couldn’t keep the phone up to my ear.

“Stop that, you’re scaring me. You’re gonna be fine. There’s no need for you to say that like it’s the last time you’ll get to say it. We’re going to get married in a month, then we’ll go on our honeymoon, and we’ll live a long, happy life together. There’ll be plenty of ‘I love you's’ during that time.” Phil’s voice began to shake as he asked the taxi driver to borrow a phone. 

“Just tell me… you love me… too. I want to hear you say it again.” My voice was beginning to fade, and I was losing the ability to form coherent thoughts.   
I couldn’t understand what Phil had just said. Something like, “I love juice.” I thought that was funny, so I started laughing. 

“Why are you laughing?” Phil said except I couldn’t hear him. I was too focused on staying awake that I couldn’t focus on what Phil was saying. “Dan? Dan, talk to me! Stay with me!" 

I heard the door open and slam shut, then loud footsteps coming up the stairs and towards my room. Phil burst through the door, and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. As soon as he saw me, leaning against the wall with skin the color of parchment, he bent down next to me and sobbed into my shoulder.

"Don’t cry,” was all I could get out before I lost it and started crying as well.

“Dan, why would you do this?” he got out in between sobs.

“I thought it would be better.”

“I can’t believe I didn’t realize you weren’t okay. I’m so sorry.” Phil continued to cry, and I tried to calm him.

“I’m sorry, Phil.” That’s all I could choke out. I heard people burst into the house. Someone said that it was the paramedics, but it was too late. I was already fading. Phil’s face reflected hope.

“Dan, they’re here! They can help you! Dan? Dan? Dan!” He started to shake me. “Dan, please wake up!”

As the thundering of footsteps got louder, I know that it really is too late.

“Dan, please, don’t let go yet. I need you to hear this.” I lightly squeezed his hand so he knew I was there. His grip on my hand tightened, and he took in a shaky breath.

“I love you so much, Daniel James Howell. So much more than you’ll ever know. These last seven years have been the most fun I’ve ever had.” He lets out a small chuckle, followed by sniffling. “I don’t think anyone will ever love someone as much as I love you. You can let go now if you need to. I won’t hold it against you.”

I felt a single tear fall onto my face.

That was all I needed to hear.

So, I let go.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr: interruptedbyfjreworks


End file.
